Where is my guru?
When I first met my guru in March of 2013, the way of the guru was not foreign to me. I had been introduced to Healing Touch by a nurse that was a guru for all of my holistic friends, and was in a meditation group with a guru who taught Dimensional Eclipsing, or how to access two dimensions at once, and go beyond our current consciousness.
I understood how people felt about gurus, why they go to them for answers, and how people can venerate, and sometimes vilify them. My male guru friend had been subject to a scandal where he had a follower who suggested that he leave his wife for her, and his wife found out, and it was all over the group. People hold gurus to a higher standard than most people, and his reputation was hurting.
I was pretty lost myself at that time. My father had died a year prior, and I was still wading through the estate, his finances, holding his house together and his investments until we could finalize everything. My marriage was a mess, I wasn't sure what I was doing with my life, and my father's money was making things worse, not better.
When he stepped in to help me, it was like a breath of fresh air. He didn't do it in the usual ways, through the facebook conversations or emails I had used with the other gurus. He spoke to me directly, in dreams, and using high vibration telepathy. To most people this would seem odd, but since my father had been speaking to me directly in the same ways, it seemed like a continuation of sorts.
He sat with me energetically while I pored through the estate. He listened to me talk about my family drama, my philosophies on life, and what I wanted to do with mine. When I asked what to do, he didn't offer a solution, he often offered a question. What did I want to do? What direction did I want to go?
At the time it was frustrating. Doesn't everyone go to their guru for advice, and then get the advice or sage wisdom they seek? My guru knew better. He trusted that I would find the way I needed to go, if I would give it more time. His only advice to me was, "just be", "stay present", "allow flow", and "look at the bigger picture".
It drove me crazy. I wanted the answers to what was coming, and I wanted to know what made him tick. How could he be so calm in the face of chaos and how could he just allow instead of inserting his opinion? And why me? It was apparent that he was very interested in what I was going through, and interested enough to just be there, without pushing an agenda.
The longer time went on, the worse things got. My marriage was getting rockier, and things were really falling apart. My husband threatened to move out. He wasn't keen on my father and my guru taking up all of my time, from his perspective. I knew my father wanted me to be happy with what he had left me, but it was creating more issues than it solved.
I breathed. I stayed present. My guru came through again and again, listening to my issues, offering to just be there. I wrote furiously, trying to figure out my life through my journaling and the words on the page. I filled up seven journals and still didn't have the answers to my questions. I asked my guides, I asked my Angels, I asked Jesus and Buddha, and their advice was, listen to your guru.
So I listened. I knew things could not get much worse. And then they did. My husband moved out. He asked for a divorce. How could I possibly go through a divorce when the estate wasn't even over? He then made it clear that he really didn't want to leave or break up our marriage, he wanted his wife back. He wanted in clear terms what was going to happen.
My guru and my first guru friend started to talk to my husband. They assured him that the changes I was going through he could weather. They told him to be patient, that things were shifting and we'd soon see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I was going to be different afterward, and he better paddle his kayak faster if he wanted to keep up.
Amidst all of this chaos, I was gearing up to take Healing Touch 4. Part of the requirements were to begin a practice and complete 100 treatments. I started a business, found a place to practice, and built a website. I started to attract clients. My guru held the space while I wrote three Reiki classes. He watched while I built my kids' offerings. And he smiled the whole way through, cheering me on.
This is what he meant. I had changed, I was changing. After a suicide death, your whole life changes. My father had given me a huge gift. He had opened the path that would lead to my healing, albeit in a very destructive and hurtful package. I had to hit bottom, and I had to change. I mostly, had to take responsibility for my own life and my choices.
I had to stop asking my guru, my spiritual guides, God, and everyone else for the answers. I had a Kundalini yoga teacher who said that a guru is not a person, it is an energy that brings darkness to light. The guru is inside, was what he'd been whispering to me all along. I hadn't been able to listen over the din of the chaos of my life.
Now when I teach, I think of his smile, and I remember to remain present. To breathe through the difficulty, and trust that each of my students and clients really does have the anwers they seek inside of themselves. That the dark isn't really that bad when we have people we love around us. And that the presence of a guru is a priceless gift.
And that sometimes, all we need is to be present for others while they find their own way.